January 13, 2012
This morning, I came across this quote from Anais Nin, one of my favorite authors:
“My concept of love clashed with my desire to create. Everyone’s life and love were more important than my own. Creation I considered a danger to my loves, my human relationships. In creation I would reveal what I was, in opposition to the roles I played to be whatever anyone needed.”
I’m not a relationship expert, nor do I claim to have the key to unlock all the secrets to what it takes to have a successful, fulfilling relationship with those we love. I’m a photographer; I like to take pictures; and I never professed to ever being or wanting to be a relationship blogger.
However, I think Ms. Nin was on to something very profound that deeply resonated with me as I read it. As a matter of fact, I was like, awwww snap… I need to blog about this.
Okay. I freely admit that I struggle with trying to strike a consistent balance between loving those in my cipher and loving and devoting all my waking hours to my craft and all that goes along with it. Both spheres need, require and thrive on passion and creativity and focus in equal measure…however….the reality is….
When I’m with the ones I love, I’m thinking about photography. And when I’m doing my photography thing, I’m thinking about the next time I can spend time with my loved ones.
I’ll be honest. Sometimes it’s completely frustrating, and I find myself want to shut everything down. It’s that deep. But I recognize that this is completely unrealistic…so it requires that I dig down deep and deconstruct the root causes for the frustration.
Let’s see… #1….I don’t like juggling multiple roles, even though I’ve mastered the ability to do so.
Sometimes I get so frustrated that I want to shed all of my other roles and just live my life in complete solitude as a photographer and a blogger. The questions pour forth: Why do I have to wear all these other hats?? Why do I have to give of myself to other people?
#2….In my mind, I fail miserably at being all things to all people at all times, and I think that comes when I don’t feel like I’m getting sufficient feedback or acknowledgement from those that I care most about.
#3…. I sometimes find that the thing that I long to do the most is the thing that I’m NOT DOING AT THAT GIVEN MOMENT. And it makes me angry. Ha! What’s a girl to do? I have to remind myself: I’m a work in progress, which means that I’m working on loving the idea of being in the moment.
Because the reality is, the very thing that helps me see the beauty in the mundane, the very thing that helps me be the photographer I strive to be, every single day, is LOVE. And love does not do well in a vacuum.
Without the love of my kids, my extended family and friends, I can’t create. And that means, that when I’m spending time with them, I must draw on those expressions of love, as they are given to me…they are precious gifts.
That means that I must put aside the anguish and frustration that may creep into my spirit, that comes ever so subtly to sabotage the joy that comes with sharing and loving others at any given time, and not looking at it as time taken away from me being able to work on or think about my photography.
This is vitally important, because when I’m doing my photography thing, I must convert the satisfaction and joy I gain from those moments into gifts that I can give and share with those who care deeply for me.
And friends, this simply means that I have to accept myself for who I am, and be very grateful that others accept me for who I am as well.
Unlike Anais Nin, I’m 100 percent certain that my desire and drive to create does not threaten my relationships. In fact, I truly believe in my heart that my desire and drive to create are the very qualities that people are drawn to, and in fact, enhances those relationships as well. It’s definitely not, nor should it ever be, an either-or proposition.
Peace and blessings.